Feelin Happy

Last night I spent the night cooking and normally that would stress me out beyond belief but for the first time in a while I felt happy while doing it. I wasn't getting a grade and I wasn't following instructions I just got to have fun and do what I wanted. I made dozens of cake pops and started on a pretty cake for my sisters farewell.

For the first time in a while I remembered why I'm going to school and why I chose to do what I am doing. I love making pastry's and cakes and making them all look pretty. Im not saying I am an expert by any means but its been a while since I had a minute to just have fun while I bake. (the cricut cake machine didn't hurt either lol)

School gets so stressful it is so hard , I think some people think I am just  a lunch lady or something...... Have you seen master chef or hells kitchen? Ya chefs really do get on your butt like that. The one good thing is it is also a school, so chef j might get on your butt (but that's to help train us too) but she also teaches and gives you a solution.

Needless to say I was alone in my quiet kitchen and just felt happy with what I was doing it was a lot of fun......I actually had fun in my kitchen I can't help but smile. 

Need to work on this!

Some days I totally feel like this

Sorry about the bad words.... 

Gotta love pintrest

Defeated

Today I was given a positive diagnosis of fibromyalgia, its hard not to feel defeated but it also i guess is a good thing it explains a lot of the problems i have been dealing with.
I feel like I should look on the bright side at least I know what it is right?
But sometimes I just don't want to I want to be upset and angry because I am so young and I'm sick of all the crap I have had to go through.
I just want to cry and be sad just for a minute. I am so angry and tired and dissapointed
fibromyalgia is such a hard diseas they don't know if I will get worse or how long I will be able to manage it. Im sure some people look at me like quit your whining, but when do I get to be upset and feel bad about some of the things that have happened. I don't care any more I just want to be sad and I do want to learn how to deal with it but for just a minute I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of people hurting me..... I just need to be sad for just a minute.

Beautiful people are made

I really liked this....

               

Figure it out

My dad looked at me today and said you are such a good mom you have it all figured out......

and I laughed my dad is sweet and always very complementary of my mothering but of anything I do NOT have it all figured out by no means. I just had to laugh.

I go day to day

hour by hour 

sometimes minute by minute

Isn't it funny how fast kids change, even just day to day. One day you think oh yeah I have this we finally got it. And the very next morning the kid wakes up with horns and a tail and you are wondering what the heck happened and stressed because you have to figure it all out again & again!

So I think I'm gonna have a naked margarita (aka virgin) and start figuring it out haha

good luck moms! 

Made me smile

Perspective

Yesterday I was shown a new perspective and I really love my husband for it I don't think he even knows how much it helped.

I had a list titled WE NEED on the fridge mostly for grocery so when we run out of something I can just hurry and write it down

I came in to put something in my we need list and noticed that Trent and changed it to the WE HAVE list

under that we have list were things like

Pretty mommy, cute kid, awesome student, man who loves us, great house, wonderful family.

I guess in a way it just changed the way I needed to look at things, instead of always focusing on things we need why not take the time to realize the things we have and are grateful for. 

I'm thinking of starting a gratitude journal just to help remind me to be thankful for the little things.

Especially be thankful for my hubby who has been more than patient with me I couldn't ask for a better man.

Disappointing...

I had to back out of a job interview today, a second job interview for a job that I would have been really good at. I was in for a knitting teacher now that might not seem like a big deal but it was to me. I have been working so hard trying to get things ready to show them tomorrow, to hard. My tendinitis has got me bad my fingers are swollen and huge I couldn't even change a diaper, even typing hurts but I'm worried if I don't write it down that I will collapse into tears. I'm so disappointed. When it came right down to it this job was to much of a risk. I would be doing to much to my hands and wouldn't be able to do anything at school and right now that has to come first.My hubby suggested its time to start listening to my body and as much as I hated to admit it I think he is right. I just hate feeling like I can't seem to get it right. I have to go see an orthopedic doctor which will be good just to see what can be done. But I would have been so good at that job its just hard not to be frustrated and disappointed in myself. I....... don't even know where to go from here this chugging along is getting old.
When does it all become worth it?

Gotta love Karma

You know that saying what goes around comes around? I learned today first hand just how true that is....

I woke up this morning stressed and grumpy I will be the first to admit it. Baby M had been sick the night before throwing up and the works so I didn't get much sleep (but she did so thats so good) I felt bad leaving her to go to class and on top of it I had a job interview right after class, I haven't had a job interview in a while so I was nervous. I was running all over trying to get ready because I didn't get ready the night before. Lets just say I wasn't to pleasant to my poor hubby he really was trying but I was just on one.

Get to class and the first thing we hear is get in the class room we have a lecture this morning....ok no biggie...

Let me tell you it was not the lecture I was thinking of (like a class right?) no it was a LECTURE from a very upset chef which we all totally deserved but it was just ironic (just imagine chef ramsey from hells kitchen in a female form) I couldn't help but laugh I absolutely got what I deserved today. I do have to tell you every day I work with chef J I have a higher and higher respect for her she has done some pretty amazing things. 

After our  "lecture" the kitchen went very smoothly although it was pretty frustrating to watch people go off just minutes later and to every thing she just told us not to (really are you kiddin?) 

How ever I did learn to make some awesome risotto today and it actually tasted good

and the job interview went ok too

I think next time I will work on finding some good karma instead 

functionally disfunctional

I think if there is anything that could describe my little family of 3 it is "functionally disfunctional"
On the out side I'm sure people look at us like "are you serious?" "are you really doing that" my answer yes and we are.
On the out side we are chaos and crazy but in our little circle of 3 it works and we are for the most part pretty good and cooperating and juggling.
So that is my definition Functionally dysfunctional (say that 3 times fast)
I wouldn't be able to do it with out my partner your the best babe!

Trooper

Today is the end of my second week of classes, I have to tell you I am loving it. By no means is it easy but I feel like I'm actually learning things. I am only part time but set the record for finishing my book work in 4 class days the most any one has done is 5 and they give you 10 days (2 weeks) because there is so much of it to start. I wish I could get credit for the 2 hours a day I did at home to get it done lol

Needless to say things have been a little busy (oh did I mention I decided to re do our kitchen on top of it all)

But my Mello she has been a trooper. She has put up with all the running around and the non stop going going.

The best part is she has been doing it with a smile on her face she has been such a good girl to have to adjust to a new schedule. (which doesn't always include naps) Poor girl is working on 2 more molars so sometimes she just has to climb in my lap and remind me she needs to cuddle. Which is something new too she never used to cuddle with me she was usually a daddy's girl but now she will cuddle and talk to me probably because I'm gone all day.

Sitting here I realized she is 17 months today and I could not be a more proud mama she is growing so quick and is so smart (almost to smart sometimes) 

So here is a shout out to my Mello for being such a trooper I love you baby girl!

And to my Awesome hubby

And all my friends and family helping me out! 

2 weeks down to many to go! 

Just when I think I don't

I do.....

I have been sick the last 5 days I mean like can't even get out of bed sick. Yes I felt sorry for my self and yes I yelled at my poor husband about how I have nobody. (please say other people do this too) 

Then my best friend left soup and chocolate cake at my door

And my cute husband (who just had surgery) was on his feet all weekend taking care of me
Then my brother brought over a pint of ben and jerrys (my 2 favorite men)

I feel asleep on the couch and felt my toddlers hand on my forehead every few minutes she was taking care of me too.

So just when you think you don't...... you do.

Tired

I'm just tired

tired of crying

tired of not knowing

tired of not getting any sleep

tired of always coming last

tired of feeling helpless

tired of my house

tired of job hunting

tired of feeling useless 

tired of feeling like a bad mom

tired of dishes and laundry

I'm honestly just tired of being tired!

I guess this is what comes from being awake since 3AM haha 

OH LIFE!

after saying tired so much it starts to sound like a funny word

Have a good day all....

So simple

Yesterday I got put in a hard situation I was frustrated and sad but ironically Melodee was in a great mood.

I try not to cry in front of her it upsets her to see me upset, yesterday I just couldn't help it I sat on the floor trying to clean up her toys and cried. What did that little girl do?

She came running over to me looked me in the eye smiled and I get the "oh" with both her tiny arms around my neck. She gave me the biggest hug she could give she let me hold her and I cried. After a second she backed away checked my face saw that I was still crying and did it again. I don't think she will ever realize how she helped me she gave me a shoulder to cry on she was taking care of me. To her she probably had no idea but to me it made me feel so good to know she loves me I just keep picturing it in my head, Mostly because she is such a go getter she is always on the move and never lets me hold her so when she did I was almost shocked.

Its amazing how her simple look on life can make me feel so much better.

Later Trent and I were sitting on the floor trying to figure out this situation both frustrated and here she comes again. This time it was simple her out look was "daddy it's not so bad..... now play with me!"

she is so funny when she tackles daddy we decided to focus on whats important our family and deal with the rest as it comes.

Your 3 words

I was watching Good morning America the other day and they did a special called your 3 words

it was 3 words that described you or means something to you, they did it to awesome music

It was the coolest clip to see it click the link below

Your 3 words

It seriously gave me the chills and got me thinking what are my 3 words that I would do right now

GOTTA LOVE LIFE

or from my friend amie I use a lot too

KEEP ON DANCING

So tell me what would your 3 words be?

Stroke Stroke Stroke Breath

I saw a post somewhere a while ago and this girl talked about how when she would swim she was always taught stroke stroke stroke Breath

She compared it to life and motherhood, make it through each moment or day (stroke stroke stroke) 

Then take 5 seconds and Breath

today I have had a lot on my mind and for some reason that keeps coming to my mind

"stroke stroke stroke breath"

I found my self repeating it in my head and you know what it really helped to remind my self to breath I'm not sure why but I am going to try it again tomorrow just repeating those words.

stroke stroke stroke breathe

There are days that I feel like I need to refocus and step back and take a look at my life from the outside looking in, almost just re evaluate and I have decided to make a few changes 

The biggest of course probably going back to school but small changes too

Starting with Zumba tomorrow morning (early)

Its time to look inside of my self and regain me no more just sitting back and talking about it 

its gonna happen now.....

Bittersweet

I start school in about a month and yesterday when I went to sign up it really hit me that it was happening

Sure I am nervous and haven't been back to school in about 5 years

15 months is a long time but I can't say no to the opportunity

But I'm a little sad at the same time

Leaving my baby 15 hrs a week, I know it doesn't seem that bad and I know it could be worse, but when you spend 24 hrs a day 7 days a week with this adorable little person its easy to understand.

She does get pretty difficult I will give her that but she is my baby...

I haven't ever had to leave her and I feel so bad that I don't get to make her breakfast or snuggle in the mornings she gets to be with someone else (which I am grateful for too)

So I guess this will just be an adjustment in a way its bitter sweet

I never know what to do when she isn't around she is pretty much my right arm

Funny how you never thought you could love any one so much and then you have children and it is just unbelievable what you do for them and how much you love them.

I don't know what I would do with out my little girl.

I came across and new born size diaper sat on my bed and had a mommy moment (they actually do exist) 

She was so tiny when we brought her home I can't believe how much they grow in that first year.

So here's to my 2nd mommy moment of the day!

survival

Do you ever feel like you are holding your breath under water and are just dying to come up for air.

Today was one of those days and no matter what I did I couldn't kick it.

Amie showed up and helped me out a lot

its funny and something as simple as a hand can help you breath and enjoy all the little things again

thanks amie 

Mello has had a great day she is such a cutie pie and so happy I love being able to enjoy her instead of wondering when I will be able to breath

Oh the life of a woman haha

?

Spent the whole day watching reruns of Melrose place literally the entire day..... not sure why I'm so out of it and I don't even know if I'm sad some days it would be nice to just say to hell with all of it. But really what is all of it?things really aren't that bad. I don't know what is with me, I am really good at giving people advice you know like "just keep busy you will feel better" but lately I have the hardest time actually doing what I tell others pretty hypocritical I know. Hopefully this rutt won't last long. I keep saying once school starts but I'm worried it might get worse once school starts.

Oh well thats life I guess.

Been thinkin....

Do you ever have those days ,not necessarily bad days, but just days that you roll a few things around in your head? Here are some random thoughts of mine

*Put in avon order and I'm pretty excited to get it

*Family pictures this weekend and still have no idea what we are all wearing

*I seriously think baby M grew 2 sizes just in about 2 weeks, I couldn't figure out how I lost her clothes so I pulled them out and realized I had put them away because nothing fits! Crazy girl that's for sure. She is so tall.

*Some times I am the most un-organized, organized person in the world and it makes me nuts

*Tried frozen yogurt from Spoon me for the first time (do not like frozen yogurt) and LOVED IT now its all I can think about haha that and cheese cake!

*Starting school for the first time in about 4 years and I could not be more nervous even the goofy placement test I have to take has me freaking out, but its defiantly one of the best things I could do right now

so fingers crossed!

Random Random Random

Example

I high jacked my friend Amie the other day and we spent the day at the salon, we did lunch she got her hair done and I got my nails done, all with no kids (thanks to her awesome sisters)

I just have to tell you I think we all need a heart like Amie she never takes time for herself but will not even hesitate to step in and help others no matter what. She was getting her hair done and I have never seen such a smile on her but she was still thinking about her family and wondering what she could do for them.

We all need an example like my girl Amie she has shown me over the last year how to have unconditional love for EVERYONE. Amie you rock!

Bein a mom sure is tough but man was it nice to get out!

(cute hair and nails is always a bonus too)

Getting Older

Today is my awesome hubbys birthday and to be honest he has a hard time on his birthday, not sure why.

He doesn't seem to mind getting older and I think he keeps getting cuter and cuter. 

Isn't it funny how getting older bothers us some times? I haven't really had that problem but one thing I have a hard time is my baby getting older. She has so much personality I worry what will happen as she gets older haha

Any way I have a fun night planned for Hubbys birthday and so far today has gone very well. M slept through the night and played with me all morning. I cranked up the music and we danced for a while it actually wore her out so great!

Happy Birthday BABE!

Negative

Isn't funny how you always seem to see the negative - sign  every where, bank statements accounts receipts.

It is apart of our daily lives but not very often do you see a positive + sign. Or maybe we just don't see those at easily some times the negative is so easy to point out but the positive is right next to it.

for example: M is very fussy today - but that means I get to cuddle with her all day +

Car is out of gas -  just get to walk and enjoy the day +

One of my goals is to find a positive in the negatives. haha it sounds easy but really can be hard

Isn't that funny?

Mom

I woke up this morning with a "I want my mommy" kinda feeling. Everything that could go wrong went wrong today all before 9am.
M didn't sleep at all she has a few teeth coming in it was just a bad night. I always hate it when she doesn't feel good I hate that helpless feeling. Isn't it funny how in the moment it all seems so bad but if you are able to stand back and look at the "situation" it really is almost silly that your worrying over little things. That's what I am going to use this blog for. If I get over whelmed then writing it down seems to help me focus a little better.
So I got up and cuddled M she wont eat anything but milk lately and I worry about that too. Hubby went to work and its hard not to feel like when every one is having a bad day I drop everything but when I wake up not feeling good or need help no one notices, but in all reality what am i supposed to do tell him not to go to work and support our family? Being a wife and mom can be such a thankless job sometimes.
So I called my mom as a mom of 4 she always seems to know what to say. She doesn't try to fix it she just listens. Some days I wish I was still little and could just curl up until I feel better. She told me she knows what I am going through which was a nice reminder because she always seemed to look like she knew exactly what she was doing.
I got M to eat she was happier after that and after I talked to my mom, I sat on the floor and bawled my eyes out (for some reason crying is a good stress reliever for me) I was over whelmed and under appreciated (grrrr) it sure is hard some times.
Then I feel this little hand on the back of my head playing with my hair and her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and she threw herself into my lap and just giggled. If she only knew how much I needed that.
That my friends is what bein a mom is all about.
Don't get me wrong I am in no way ungrateful and I am very lucky but its easy to get frustrated some times so this blog will be my "have at it" kinda thing with the good and the bad.
Thanks for reading